So a lot has happened since my last post. In a nutshell, I have found myself needing to find a new place to live. Of which I have, and I'll be moving there in exactly one week. But since this whole thing started, I have been having feelings of self-doubt. Basically my landlady had a whole list of things that were wrong about me, and that makes me a bad person, and even though I know they're not true, it has been coming up more and more in my subconscious. Or even more so now the front part of my consciousness.
They're little things. Little things that grow into big things. My friends from back home haven't really been talking to me all that much. And I know that it's probably because they're all very busy, and because I'm not there they don't think about me as much. Out of sight, out of mind. But when I brought up the idea of coming to visit sometime in November, they made it sound like it wasn't necessary, and I should just wait until I come home for Christmas break. And that makes me feel unwanted.
I've always had a complex of not being wanted. Abandonment issues. And unfortunately it's all because of a silly little thing that happened when I was eight. It isn't actually silly, at least it wasn't when it was happening, and since it's given me quite a complex, I think I belittle it by calling it silly. But it is, in a way. I was eight, and I had two best friends, who kinda just gave up on me. I had found myself to be the only one putting in any effort in the relationship with these two girls. I was always the one phoning and making arrangements to play and sorting things out. And one day I decided that I wouldn't do it anymore. If they wanted to play with me, they would call. And they didn't. And they basically never spoke to me again afterwards.
And since then it has happened over and over, where someone will be my friend, then a few days later they will realize that I'm not really worth it, or they don't like me as much as they thought they did, or I'm not actually interesting enough to keep around, and they ditch me. That's just the way it's always been, and so it's what I have come to expect with my relationships now. I have a couple really good friends that I have made in my past two months of college, and every day I wonder if they're still going to be my friends.
And every day I struggle with this. I have thoughts in my head where I'm not perfect, and because I'm not perfect I'm not worth anyone's time. And I know it's not true, and there are other times where I really enjoy who I am and think that I'm fantastic. But when I have a friend from home who said he would call me every once in a while to see how I'm doing, and hasn't, then I have to wonder. I keep having dreams where people I love tell me that they don't like who I am and that I should leave. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Like I don't belong, and no one wants me.
And it's horrible. And not true. But sometimes I have to wonder. Maybe it's true to an extent. Maybe it's true with certain people, and not with others. On certain days, or when they're feeling certain ways.
To be honest I'm not sure where these thoughts started coming from. I just wanted to write a quick little note about what I'm up to. But I guess this is on the forefront of my mind, and therefore needs to be shared. I guess I'm also just scared that my friendships from back home are going to get weaker and weaker the longer I'm away, until one day I stop making an effort, and I never speak to them again. It's happened before. It could happen again.
Only time will tell, right?
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