My Date with Myself

Good evening my dear friends.
So a lot has happened since the new year. But a lot happened before that too that I haven't really talked about. During my Christmas break in December, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me. He was good reasons to do so, and we hadn't been dating for very long, but it completely wrecked me. So much so that I was plunged into the deepest depression I, personally, have ever experienced. For most of December all I wanted to do was sleep. Not eat, not paint, not do anything. It was bad.
But then I came back to Red Deer. And even that little change started to help a lot. A few days later school started again. And I was no longer alone; all my classmates were back. I had things to do, I had people to see and talk to; things started looking up.
I have come a long way in three weeks. It's hard to think it's only been three weeks since school started again, but I guess time flies when you're having fun. It's scary in a way, because I can physically feel and see myself changing. Every day I can see how I am different from the day before. I am completely and definitely not the same person I was a month ago, let alone a year ago. I think I'm changing for the better, however I feel that at the moment I'm in that awkward growth stage where everything feels so harsh and so dramatic and most of the time I feel that I'm just screwed; life will never go on.
Of course it does, and I know that. I just have to stick it out. I'm in that "needing to find myself" process, which is annoying and takes time. It's like that stage from when you're done mixing cookie batter, which tastes delicious, and you get to eat them after they're baked, which is also delicious, but there's that really annoying ten minutes in between stages. You have to wait, but it's just stupid and annoying.
I guess in this analogy I'm a gooey and delicious double chocolate chip cookie. I think I'm okay with that!

That being said, when I came back to Red Deer and was talking to my mom on the phone, after a particularly hard day, she gave me an interesting idea. She said to take myself out on a weekly date. Just go somewhere, go do something, to just refill myself. Find some art in life; replenish my soul.
So I took her advice. It's been three weeks since she said that, and I have done it three times. The first time I went downtown on a Sunday. It was brutal; it was probably the coldest day this month, and nothing was open. I walked up and down the streets, went to find Fabricland (which I found, but it was closed), popped into the Superstore to thaw my hands, and headed back to the bus terminal. I stopped at Chapters on the way home, because I was just feeling miserable; I wanted a Starbucks. I ended up buying a couple fashion magazines (I want to be a fashion designer.. sue me), came home, and put the pictures up all over my one

wall. It has since grown, I just don't have a recent picture of it. But my walls are all blank and somewhat depressing, so this was a nice artistic release.

My second date with myself I went downtown again, this time on a Saturday. I went to a store called Housewarmings, which is a combination of clothes, pottery, house furniture & decorations, jewelry, and kinda etc. But all quite hippy- so think homemade, fairtrade, organic, recycled materials, etc. I really like it there, and I plan to apply there to work during the summer.
I went into a clothing store called Dots and ended up buying a dress. I also want to work there in the summer; it's not very big, but it's full of designer clothes that are always on sale. I would be fantastic at working there- customers will want advice on clothes and colours and what it looks like on them, and if there's one thing I'm good at, it's putting an outfit together. (Perhaps that's being slightly narcissistic, but it's true, and if people can't truthfully say good things about themselves, then what the fuck?
Anyways, lastly I went into a store/cafe called Sunworks. Their entire upstairs is a cafe/restaurant that also has a gallery in there. This gallery's theme was called Tiny Works, I think. It was by this guy who decorated a 4" x 4" tile everyday, with whatever he wanted. Paint, mixed media, collage, etc. At the same time, every day he collected an article in the newspaper. He did this for an entire year, and at the end of the year he looked at each article, looked at each tile, and put them together, whichever tile he thought matched each article. And since each tile is incredibly abstract, it's all open for interpretation. Maybe you can see a clear connection, maybe it's a little vague. At any rate, I thought it was fascinating. I love collaging and I love mixed media, so this really filled me up.
And the food at Sunworks is incredible! They do this whole thing where you make your order and go sit down, and right away they bring you a 'pitcher', which is really just a very large jar, full of

 water that has some sort of fruit in it. This time it was lime wedges and mint. SO good. You think water's refreshing? Try putting lemons, cucumber, and/or mint in it. They also had fresh cinnamon buns, just for me. It was mostly devoured when I realized I should take a picture for this post. Oopsies.


My third date with myself was today, also a Saturday. I went straight to Sunworks, because not only was I super hungry, but I also had 3D Fundamentals homework to work on, and the cafe seems to be conducive to my working habits. I will talk more about the current work for 3D Fundamentals in a different post. This one is strictly about my date with myself.
While I was working on my homework, I had to stop a few times to write some things down in my journal. Some of which I will share with you.

"I get this great sense of... I guess maybe completion or satisfaction, when I work on my art. But it's not just meaning when I'm actively painting or sculpting (yes, I'm aware of the poor structure of that sentence). It's when I'm doing anything that has to do with something I love. Looking at pictures. Listening to music. Trying to locate books on Marcel Duchamp. Researching sustainable architecture designs. Boring? It should be. But I'm using a part of my brain that must release some sort of endorphin. I wake up in not a fantastic mood- quite depressed again. I go to Sunworks, started doing research on my 3D Fundamentals nano house design, taking notes, and just...
                                              happy.

I see things everywhere. You're everyday objects. I don't just see them like everyone else sees them. I see them. The table isn't just orange. It's a soft fall colour. Same tone as the mustard yellow walls. Strangely enough, same tone as the summery blue and green utensils. The apple wedges in the water are shaped like canoes. Canoes that have been tipped over and are floating on the surface of the water. I love how they use recycled jars for the pitchers and glasses. And in spite of it being $5, this is the best mocha I've ever tasted. And the foam doesn't disappear after two sips- it lasts all the way to the end.

Maybe I'll become foam. Sea foam. Not really foamy, and always smells like algae."

 I appear to have a fascination of comparing myself to things. Food, foam.. weird.

Anyways, that's kind've an idea of where my mind's been lately. Very abstract, very overwhelmed with the world. All the shapes and colours and sounds all pop out at once, and I feel like my head is going to explode. My eyes are going to fall out. My heart is going to fall out of my chest and become this big mushy mess on the sidewalk.

It's too much. It's all just too much for me to handle. But for some reason... for some divine or otherwise reason... I love it. Just the fact that there's too much for me to take in means that I'm going to be taking in new things every day. I'm going to experience my weight in disaster and creation, every single day. Whether it's things people have to say, things people do, the art I see, the creativity and inspiration behind everything. The choices people make, they make for a reason. What is that reason? Why do they do that? It's all just too much. And it's how I thrive.

That's the best I can explain. I apologize for this post being so big. I have a lot to say. Have a good night :)