Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Fit to Burst. Dialogue.

I'm entirely frustrated and exhausted. To stop and take a moment to think about what is currently stressing me out or causing me anxiety or anger, I get too full too quickly of the enormity of it all and I feel I can't breathe. I can understand a person reaching the point of ending their life; it's all just too much. I make a point of maintaining as positive and optimistic an outlook on life in order to avoid that mindset. It's far too easy and we all know how screwed up this world is and how shitty everything and everyone can be, that we need to do all we possibly can to just stay afloat; to stay happy; to stay fucking sane.

They haven't cured cancer for one reason and one reason only: they would lose money. And I wish this was a conspiracy theory or something I read on Facebook, but it's something I believe to be 100% true. Actual cancer patients have been told this by their doctors. But it doesn't matter where or why I think this; what matters is that it is part of my reality. What's the current stat, one in every four people? will get cancer and probably die from it. Moral of this thought pattern: Don't keep your phone in your shirt/breast/breast pocket, don't sleep with your phone by your person, and avoid using the microwave as much as possible. It leads to healthier living and eating, and also might help prevent the unpreventable.

Christian elders in my family's circle is causing and spreading hate for the homeless in Alberta. The hypocrisy I have experienced from self-proclaimed Christians since I have moved out of my house has been overwhelming. I've met self-proclaimed Pagans, Buddhists, and non-religious but "super-spiritual" people who have a way stronger code of ethics and understanding of Jesus' message than these so-called Christ followers. I was raised Protestant and was quite proud of it, but I am at the point here where I almost don't want to identify as a Protestant, for what a religious person represents these days is judgment and hate. If I identified as a....... what, like even a "traditional hippy" or something hokie pokie like that, I would receive more respect and understanding than if I said I was a Christian. And I used to wonder why, until I got burned time and time again by these people. My mission, my moral of this thought pattern: spread the real, PROPER message of Jesus (ie: have love, have compassion, have patience, understanding, forgiveness, for everyone. Everyfuckingone. Don't judge. Don't hate. It's not your place, not your job. Get over yourself.), try to give Christian a better name, and continue my life here on Earth spreading love, compassion, patience, understanding, and forgiveness.

Do keep in mind forgive does not mean forget.

I want to be the person, the woman, that makes it very, very clear with the people in my life that I care about them, value their presence in my life, and that I am there for them. Meaning if they have a favour, need advice, need some personal time, I can provide for them, I can be that person that can fill that hole. I truly believe people come into your life for a reason and leave your life for a reason. It doesn't have to be harsh, but it does happen. Friendships form and build and maintain for who knows how many years, and then all of a sudden, right when either side is no longer benefiting from having the other, it drops. Poof. Gone. Everything you had, everything you built, poof, vamoose. No longer. It's almost like there was no point in ever having the relationship in the first place. Particularly when it was a painful breakup. I have had a scary amount of people in my life just literally up and turn and all of a sudden, fucking out of no where, I literally have no fucking idea what stick got up their butt, and they're like 'CYA'. Employers, boyfriends, best friends.... It hurts me how much this has happened, especially considering how thirsty I was, and maybe still am, for friendship, comradery, kinship. And they give it to me, like a little kid danging a mouse in front of a cat, to have the cat pounce, and have there be no mouse. Was there ever a mouse? What was I so excited for? Now I'm just left with this little empty feeling in my tummy. I'll fill it up with this or that... but what ever happened to that mouse?

I like to think that everything would be solved if there was better communication between parties, but you can't force someone to communicate, better or not. And how can one know to ask the other if something is wrong if one literally has no idea or way of knowing that something is wrong. It's a cruel circular paradox that I don't appreciate. I'm a good person, an honest person, and all that I want is the best for the people I love. And maybe I also expect the best OF the people I love, but if that's asking too much, then you're not asking enough of yourself.

I start a new-old job tomorrow. Once upon a time I was a barista for this super hip cafe downtown, I started renting the apartment directly above said cafe, and I worked at this cafe for well over a year. Established a great relationship with the manager, an elderly Polish woman, and her older sister in the kitchen, and various Czech, Russian, or Ukrainian kitchen staff. And then one evening, exactly after my shift, out of no where, I was fired. Some bullshit accusation of theft that I don't even know where to start... but I didn't fight it because the second this employer that I trusted so much turned and went evil on me, I didn't want anything to do with that shit. Buh-bye. Heartbroken and confused as fuck, I had to continue to live above the cafe while I boycotted it, until I moved out months later. BUT NOW THERE'S NEW MANAGEMENT!! The Polish woman is gone and here we have two Canadians, a husband and wife, who we actually know because he used to sell us supplies at the cafe. He was like "why aren't you working here anymore? CAN you work here anymore?" and low and behold, I start again tomorrow. One year and seven months later, I'll be steaming milk and making custom bullshit orders again. Only difference is this time I'm also working with my best friend/roommate. So. That'll be fun. \m/

That's good for tonight.

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