So, I haven't written in forever. And I feel really bad about this. Not because I think anyone reads or values this, but simply because I'm too lazy to write stuff in my journal, so this is the next best thing.
I just had a thought this evening. Well, it was more like a question. Why? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I think I'm emotionally masochistic. I think that I'm one of those people who wants what they can't have, and the more unavailable, the more appealing, and the more I'll try to get it. Which then of course leads to great disappointment every day, because I'm too stubborn to give up. So every day I go through the same routine, the same realizations that it's just simply not going to be.
Because I live for those moments when all of a sudden there's hope. Hope that it could potentially maybe happen if just the right decision is made at just the right moment. And so I live in that hope that maybe, someday, I might be in that position where everything will just fall into place.
But of course, until that day comes, I'll just walk around putting my mind on the same turmoily path, because there's simply no other choice. I want what I want and until I either get what I want, or decide I no longer want it, I'll just have to forget about thinking about anything else.
On the bright side, I really don't have all that much homework, so it's not like I'm losing THAT much of my life.
It's not going to be worth it. But I'm having a hard time caring. Because it might be worth it. And that might is enough for me to hang on to. Because I'm a masochist and an idealist and surely this world isn't the world that we actually have to live in. These sorts of rules don't actually apply to us mere mortals. I can live in any sort of world I so choose.
And so, I choose to live in this world. The world where I always get what I want, and consequences can go die in a whole.
Good to be back :)
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